My mom recently got some of our home videos transferred to DVD and they’re super boring but she made me watch one last night.
And at one point I literally teach my infant sister to “head bang” (or my favorite stim in those days—slamming my head against shit, basically—which has evolved to mostly just enthusiastic rocking).
“C’mon, head bang some more”—actual quote
and some of my stims—happy stims particularly—are still EXACTLY the same and it was seriously strange seeing my four year old self do them.
Anyway, this is totally asinine. I just thought it was funny.
But—and I’m only realizing this now that I’m writing it—it’s also sad because I guess at four I hadn’t yet learned that my behaviors were something to be ashamed of. I actually wanted to share them with others! because THEY’RE GREAT! Like SERIOUSLY GREAT! THE BEST EVER!
but I cannot share them with others now. Not ever. Not if I want them to like me or think I’m normal. (I have one vivid memory of getting caught “head banging” by a classmate when I was eight and being mortified and also incredibly sad and angry that I had to find a way to force myself to not do this great thing just because people are dicks. Who knows how early the lesson set in.)
I was so much more outgoing then, at least with people I knew, and I can’t help but think perhaps that has something to do with the fact that I hadn’t yet learned that I was different and I had to hide that difference to protect myself.
Anyway. I think maybe I need to work on just saying fuck it, fuck you, I’m stimming at work, around strangers, extended family, in public… I’m making everyone uncomfortable. But that will be really hard to do and it’s risky as shit and is it worth it to try to be comfortable and authentic?? Is it even something I’m remotely capable of? (uh, no. probably not.)
God, though. I just can never just be myself around anyone else because that involves behavior that is not acceptable and that is such. fucking. bullshit. I want to be accepted by others but I also want to be myself what do I do the eternal question